a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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