if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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