can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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