Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
