Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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