Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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