remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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