Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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