Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
