So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
