I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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