Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
