the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
