I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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