the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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