i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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