When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
