I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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