Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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