Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
