mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
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He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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