i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
