I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
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I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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