The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
