so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
