Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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