Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
