they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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