Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
