I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
