That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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