Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
