we made out on top of his cat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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