My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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