I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is this like a preordered booty call?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
