dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
