What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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