I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
