You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
