one might say we're banned from that church
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
