saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
