so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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