All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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