She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
