hell yes lets make some ravioli
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
