I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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