You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
