The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
