I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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