I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
