Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
