Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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