I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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