I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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