I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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