sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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