Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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