Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
